Set a Boundary With Someone

You’re going to come across all kinds of people. Those who will be kind and gentle, and those who might push you or try to make you do things. Those who are fun to be around and those who create conflict. To be happy and have good relationships, you need the skill of setting boundaries. In this sense, a boundary is a statement of what you will accept and will not accept. In other words, what is OK and not OK with you.

It requires self-awareness: what do I want? It develops the ability to speak a personal request to others. With practice, it’s a way to create a sense of security for yourself, to know how to say “no” or “not yet”. It gives you the power to make your relationships happy and good ones. Read below for a list of different kinds of boundaries.

Here are some examples of boundaries you may want to set, if not now, then when the time comes:
- Boundaries between playful teasing and harmful words. “I don’t mind joking around, but I don’t like it when you joke about my sister. Let’s joke about other things instead.” 
- Boundaries between rough-housing and your body. “I love playing basketball with you, but if it gets too rough I’d rather not play. Let’s make a rule that we can’t shove each other, even when there’s no referee.” 
- Boundaries around time. “It’s fun talking with you online but I can’t text after 10pm, I need my sleep.” 
- Boundaries around words. “Dad, I know you love calling me that nickname but I don’t like when you do it around my friends. I’m comfortable with you calling me that at home but not at school or when I’m with friends.” 
- Boundaries around money. “I want to go see that movie too but I don’t have enough money right now, I’ll join you next time or we can do something else now.” 
- Boundaries around time together. “You’re really cool but I don’t want to hang out right now.”
- Boundaries around a broken friendship. “Right now I can’t be friends with you because I don’t like how we talk to each other and get in arguments. If we can resolve that then it would be fun to hang out again.” 
- Boundaries around sexuality, drugs, and alcohol. Here there are many varieties, but the essence is being willing to say what you are and are not comfortable with. “Thanks but I don’t want to do that right now” or “I’m not ready for that right now” or “I will go the party with you but I’m not going to drink”.
Getting Started: Looking at the list above, and thinking of the people you interact with in your life, do you see a natural place to start? Say your parents use an old childhood nickname that you don’t like any more, or a friend bugs you about something that is actually annoying rather than funny. Could you lovingly, clearly, tell them that you’re not comfortable with that behavior?
When you do, consider the kindest way you can declare your boundary. For example: “When you steal my binder as a joke, I know you’re being playful and I like hanging out and laughing with you, but that particular way of hanging out bothers me. I’d like to hang out and joke in different ways, without anyone taking something that belongs to the other person.”
It sounds awkward and it might be for a moment, but it’s worth the trouble. It’s worth it when you can have a better relationship with that person. And worth it to realize that it’s within your power to set many boundaries in your life, for the sake of better relationships.