Forgive Someone

When you’re angry at someone, you may see the worst in them. You may forget that they are a person like you, who has doubts and fears and struggles. You may even feel they aren’t not worthy of kindness or forgiveness. You are likely to become more angry every time you see them or think about them. It’s a heavy load.

To break this cycle, we need to become good at forgiving. If we forgive ourselves, then we know that mistakes can happen despite the best intentions. Thinking about someone who has upset us, we can remind ourselves, “Everyone makes mistakes. There is good intent underneath even a bad mistake, and sometimes we all mess up in expressing ourselves.” If we can find it in ourselves to believe that the person we’re angry at is not a monster, then we don’t have to carry as much anger and resentment with us all the time. We might even rebuild friendships that seemed lost, and make them stronger for it.

Getting Started:

1. Who is it? Is there someone you’re holding a grudge against, or have some anger toward? Maybe a sibling, a parent, or a peer? If not now, it will happen sooner or later. When it does, and you feel anger, first notice it—you could even say to yourself, “I notice I have some anger around this.” That is different from you being the anger; you are made up of much more than anger, after all. There is also forgiveness in you, even if it is hard to find.

2. Imagine the possibility of forgiveness. With that part of you that is not the anger, imagine the possibility of forgiving this person. See if you can figure out what their deep, good intent is, which got messed up and came out in a way that hurt you. Do you have similar needs as this person, or similar fears?

   
   If that is too hard, think of a time when you have accidentally hurt someone, or what it would be like if you did, and how you hope they would forgive you.
   
   Forgiveness doesn’t happen in an instant, but first you can feel the possibility of it. You could say to yourself, or write in a journal, “I can imagine forgiving her” or “I can see that he didn’t mean to hurt me and isn’t a bad person.”

3. Optional - Tell them. It is up to you whether to tell the person that you forgive them. The most important work is in your own heart, and your actions will follow. But make sure you take some action. This could be a conversation with them, or you could write them a letter, or you could write down something just in your private journal. Even starting to forgive them will make your life easier and less full of anger. Someone who seems like an enemy now may even become a friend in the future.