Become an Active Listener

Listening is one of the greatest gifts one person can give another. We all want to be understood by others. We all want to understand ourselves. Active Listening does both. When someone listens so well to you, you may find that you understand yourself in new and deeper ways. And when you listen deeply to others, you may find more connection with them, and you may lift them up with the gift of your attention and focus.

Active listening can be so different from regular conversations that it’s almost shocking to experience. We’re used to being distracted, to sharing only a small part of what we feel. If you can learn the skill of active listening, you gain an almost magical ability to connect with others. It lets your friends feel that you are truly there for them, and they can help you feel the same. It lets you see with insight and empathy into how others are making sense of life. Anyone can learn how to do this with practice.

Getting Started: The next time you have a chance for a deep conversation with a friend or family member, try this out. Active Listening means you are listening in three ways at the same time:

1. First, listen with your body. Your posture sends a strong signal about whether you really care. Are you oriented toward the person speaking, showing them stillness and focus? Once you have managed your body, you can tune into the body language of the person speaking. Look for the signals they send alongside each word, like whether they are speaking fast or breathing hard, blushing, or suddenly fidgeting. This will give you clues as to what they are feeling, which you can ask about in order to bring the conversation deeper.

2. Second, listen with your heart. Notice the emotional tone of what’s being shared. What emotions do you imagine they are experiencing? This can be powerful to reflect back after they are done speaking. For example, you might say “I notice that when you spoke about your older brother, you seemed sad and depressed.” You are giving the gift of seeing someone without judging them.

3. Third, listen with your mind. Think about the story and the details they’re sharing. If you hear something that doesn’t make sense, keep an open mind—it may mean there is more they want or need to say to understand what happened. If something doesn’t seem logical to you, you can ask them to explain more. 

When you listen with body, heart, and mind, you will have a strong effect on the person speaking. They may be surprised at first, to feel their words are being received so deeply. You show your listening not only in how you act while they are speaking, but also in how you respond. You can simply say what you noticed, and then invite more with a question: “It sounds so disappointing to have your brother barely home anymore, after he used to be around and there for you all the time. What did you like to talk about with him?” They may be surprised, and you both may be amazed to see where the conversation can go when such deep listening is taking place.